A:What is this, the third grade?
Want to meet me by my locker?
Fine.
Being cool is easy:

Buy Cristal, pretend it tastes better than regular champagne even after you notice the label says Cold Duck;

Claim your old t shirt from Old Navy is some unpronounceable Japanese designer who's recently partnered with some antiquated American shoe company;

Hide behind yellow sunglasses even when it's cloudy out;

Don't eat except in small portions where everything is named a reduction of something else reduced;

Pretend not to notice the reduction to your credit card at the end of the meal;

Fart on party crashers you don't like;

Name drop famous people's nicknames like they're your best friend and make no sense in whatever you're saying, e.g. "so Hov and I were hanging and he said I've just gotten it all off my shoulder."

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